The arrival of a baby is such wonderful news, especially to the new papa and mama. The mix of emotions in this new chapter in their lives include love, joy, excitement, wonder — until those suddenly turn into worry, panic, overwhelm.
It’s totally understandable, new parents. The transition from just you and your partner to a family of three can bring about so many changes in the relationship. For the longest time, you’ve been doing things together: dining out, traveling, Netflix and chilling, and more. And then it happened: there’s now a little one to prioritize above everything else.
This whole new experience that is parenthood can take a toll on your once-loving and carefree relationship. No matter how long you have been together, these issues can slowly turn your relationship from terrific to toxic and could cripple your marriage if you don’t address them accordingly.
1. Sharing the load of household chores
You don’t want to be constantly at each other’s throats, fighting over who should do this and that. You also don’t want your partner nagging at you endlessly for not folding the clothes or emptying the sink of dirty dishes. There’s always that question of who’s going to take care of the baby.
What to do: Parenting should always be a team effort, and both papa and mama should be involved not only in child care but in household work as well. Right from the start, discuss how you should go about with the division of labor in the house so that the roles are clear and you can manage expectations. For example, since mama’s in charge of breastfeeding the baby, papa can help burp the baby or change the diaper. Quit the competing game of “who did more” and “who did less” because you will only grow resentful of each other after some time.
2. Different parenting styles
Mama wants to co-sleep to get more shut-eye while breastfeeding, papa wants the baby to sleep in the crib. Mama wants to talk it out with the little one why they behaved that way while papa is dead set on punishing the child. Conflict over parenting style can happen, and it’s understandable as you are two different people raised in different ways.
What to do: When parents have different opinions on things, this sends inconsistent messaging to their child, resulting in the kid being confused about how to act or respond to situations. Find ways for your parenting styles to complement each other and set rules that everyone agrees with. Remember that you are on the same team, so there should be no competition on who is parenting better.
3. Date nights happen less and less
It’s inevitable: the extreme exhaustion and sleep deprivation (especially for new parents) would make you want to just spend your free time catching up on sleep or spending your much-needed alone time. Gone are the days when you would excitedly prepare for a romantic date night as you’d rather stay home to be with the baby than go out. A couple’s intimacy also suffers during the first years after welcoming a newborn.
What to do: Spending time together as a couple is crucial to keeping your relationship stronger. So find a way to go on a dinner date or do things together at least once a week to catch up on each other, talk, and bond, just like how it was before the baby arrived. Ask a relative or friend to look after the little one while you also make your marriage a priority.
4. Grandparents interfere with your parenting
They are part of that all-important village that will help you raise your kid. Your child’s lolo and lola adore your little one as much as you do — and that’s a beautiful thing. Not until they overstep their boundaries and become too pushy and interfering. Some in-laws even think they know better than you because they’ve been doing this parenting thing far longer than you do.
What to do: Early on, be clear on the boundaries and communicate these well to them — how you want to raise your child, what values are important to you, and what are some non-negotiable rules. Appreciate their efforts and thank them for their contributions. Spoiling their grandchildren is their greatest joy, so don’t criticize them when they do. Instead, politely explain why these are your choices as a parent. It’s also important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to this issue.
5. Money matters
Yes, having a baby is expensive. You need to spend money to keep a stock of diapers, fill the nursery with must-haves and nice-to-haves, bring the baby to their checkups, have a cabinet full of clothes, and so much more. Disagreements related to finances can put a lot of pressure on your relationship, especially when you are not on the same page financially.
What to do: Even before the baby arrives, have a thorough discussion on your financial strategies. Set a time weekly for you to discuss your budget and finances so you know which ones to prioritize and which ones to cut down on.
It’s easy to get caught up in all these issues and start hating your partner. Before that happens, remember why you fell in love with him or her in the first place, and don’t forget that your spouse is your lifetime companion and your best partner in parenting.
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