The Christmas season is highly anticipated here in the Philippines. It’s not all about the sparkling lights, the decors, and even the traditional Simbang Gabi; it’s also synonymous with heartwarming reunions and family gatherings. As families come together from different parts of the metro or the provinces, the Christmas spirit is more visible than ever because of the love and laughter that fills every room. However, amid the joy, there can be a common challenge that many individuals face during this time of the year – dealing with toxic relatives and their intrusive comments. While we are aware that it is not uncommon for such events to bring forth uncomfortable questions or unsolicited insights, the art of maintaining composure during those moments is an extraordinary kind of gift. In this article, we’re going to talk about how one can deal with those challenging remarks from toxic relatives with poise and grace! Let’s discover some strategies that can be applied when needed.
Understanding the Challenge: Toxic Relatives and Unwanted Comments/Questions
To begin with, let’s first understand what a toxic person is. An individual that has toxic traits exhibit behavior that is hurtful and negatively impacts the people around them. These are expressed through their actions, words, and it may also be felt from their aura (Bettino, 2021). Looking at the perspective of having such people around you, most specially when they come from your very own family, it can be very emotionally and mentally draining.
It’s best to believe that everything has a reason or a root cause – even for these toxic people. They do not necessarily start out as toxic individuals, but there are numerous factors that can contribute to having such toxic traits. For instance, their harmful behaviors may have rooted from insecurities, unresolved conflicts, or personal issues. From having experienced these, their heavy feelings may turn into having toxic approaches in life such as making hurtful and unwanted comments, negative criticism, or engaging in passive-aggressive behavior. To give some benefit of the doubt, these toxic relatives may not even be fully aware of the impact of their actions due to lack of sensitivity.
Moreover, it should be realized that the presence of toxic relatives in one’s life cannot be fully avoided. It must be acknowledged that there will always be a number of people who will behave in this manner. They will be giving unwanted comments and unnecessary remarks whenever they want to. However, when one can try to understand the factors that may have played a part in their toxicity, it may be a little bit easier to deal with them. This will help you foster empathy and open the door to more constructive ways of managing the situation you’re put in, especially during the Christmas season. Let’s face it: The truth is that you cannot control how they will behave around you, but instead, you have control on how you can react to their practices.
During family gatherings some of the uncomfortable comments or questions you may encounter are “Kailan ka magkaka-second baby” (When are you having a second child?), “Tumaba ka!” (You’ve gained weight!), “Kailan kayo bubukod?” (When are you moving out?), “Magkano na ba sahod mo?” (How much are you earning now?), and even more. Hearing such can dampen the holiday spirit or atmosphere and even leave emotional impact. The aftermath of the comments done by toxic relatives can also make individuals feel self-conscious, annoyed, or hurt. However, there are constructive ways to handle these situations, ensuring a harmonious and enjoyable holiday celebration for everyone.
The Art of Graceful Responses: How to Answer Politely
Being able to overcome and handle the situations where you are faced with a toxic relative is a gift. During family gatherings, it’s essential to always remember that we cannot control their actions or words, but instead on how we can react, respond, and maintain our emotional well-being. Below are strategies that you can use when dealing with toxic family members as well as their hurtful words and actions:
Empathy and Understanding: By remaining open and genuinely listening to their comments without being defensive, you can somehow often defuse tension and prevent further toxicity. What you can do is to acknowledge the remark or question wholly, meaning you exhibit a calm and respectful tone in the conversation, even if you do not agree with the comment. A sample response to their remarks is “I understand where you are coming from, but you have to understand that every person is going through life at different paces.”
Setting Limits and Boundaries: When you are able to politely express your boundaries about certain topics, you can set a limit that you want to stay private which may lead to cutting the discussion short and avoiding the topic. In Tagalog, you could say “Sa akin na lang po ‘yun,” or “Ayaw ko na lang po sana intindihin masyado.” You must be able to let your relatives know that you appreciate their concern but you do not prefer to discuss such personal matters. This will help in maintaining your emotional well-being and privacy.
Be Humorous: If it is innate in your family to become humorous, you can take advantage of that to escape the situation. You can make a light joke to defuse the uncomfortable situations. For example, “Nako, Tita/Tito! Parang hindi mo naman ako kilala!” or “Ano ba yan, Tita/Tito! Wala na bang bago?” Doing such can lighten the mood and redirect the conversation towards a different topic.
Deflection: You may also gently steer the conversation away once you feel uncomfortable with it by subtly changing the topic in a graceful way. This can be done by saying “Oo nga po eh. Kayo po ba, ano pinagkakaabalahan niyo?” or by mentioning any other story that you can share. This way, discussions may lead to a more positive subject instead of diving deeper into the remark.
Self-Care and Coping Strategies
It is totally understandable that one may have a very low morale after a conversation or situation with toxic relatives. With that, you can begin picking yourself up through self-care and coping strategies to give value to your overall well-being. Here are some of the suggested self-care and coping strategies as shared by our edamama mamas who got to experience the same situations before:
1. “Do not let it consume you because you can always do something about it.”
Focusing on the brighter note, one mama shared that it is always important to “move forward” and “do something better” after being told about her physical appearance. One remark may have hurted very much but the next step is on you.
2. “Focus on joyful activities.”
Since we are in the season of love and giving, the Christmas holidays have a lot of joyful activities that can be enjoyed by families. For one mama, she thinks that instead of dwelling with the negative comments, it’s better to divert your attention to all the opportunities available during the holiday season.
3. “Get closer with supportive people and more understanding family members.”
The person who exhibited such toxic behavior may be just one or two persons. There are way more people who will support you and love you wholeheartedly – these are the ones that are for keeps and you should focus more on.
Moving Forward
As we come closer to the holiday season where a lot of family gatherings and reunions are upcoming, it is important to always keep ourselves prepared for situations that may negatively affect us. It must be noted that there will always be healthy approaches towards the toxic behavior presented to us – we don’t have to be toxic to deal with toxic people. Remember the saying “don’t fight with fire.” As an action moving forward, we must also be aware of our own comments towards our family and friends. Words cut deep and that every word, once said, cannot be taken back. Don’t forget that you can continue your holidays on a positive note! Just learn how to deal with toxic relatives and look after yourself, always!
